Not so Goofus anymore

Still in love and missing

Not devastated, just wreaking

A little numb, but mostly hurting

In a world of hollow pinning

Ashen dreams, puffed hopes  

Swallowed pride, drunken ego

All for what? And what not…

Just to embrace yesterday, and kiss goodbye tomorrow 

I’ve been deadened

When I started the journey I was happy

I wasn't thinking about the next turn

I just wanted to walk

Then I sprinted, then made a leap, of faith

I didn't know where I was headed

It didn't matter, so I went on

Then I reached a deadend

Now what? What's next I ask?

I contemplated long and hard

For what seems long and enough

I banged my head against the wall

Not so happy, not ready to be let down

Maybe I was strong; I could tear down the wall

But I happen to be wrong

The wall has its reason but then so do I

Neither is ready to give up, so we both put up a fight

But I guess it’s time I retrace my steps

This probably isn’t my track

I've known this for a while now but can I pave another course?

Why do the stakes seem so high now?

When I began I had nothing

When I ventured I had not a thing to lose

But when I look back now something's mine no more

My saving grace is- it wasn’t mine at all

That time, back home

I miss the freshly mown lawn

The dew damp grass under my feet
The splat-spat noise my chappals would make as I’d walk
To sit on the green, inclined slightly towards the left, swing
The way the breeze slapped itself across my face as I went against and then back towards gravity
The way my hair, in that moment, would gather the wind
And dance…
Oh dance... covering my face then letting go
As if to say peek-a-boo
The songs in my ears
Mostly ‘vanilla twilight,’ with its lyrics, my secret little wishes
Under the partially-visible, polluted starlit sky
And oh, the look on a passer-by’s face
Who I’m sure thought of me as phantom
Hopefully of his imagination
And who is to say I wasn’t
My spirit loved that occasion
My soul wants to reach out to it
I don’t just miss my home, my town
I miss what I was
Maybe I’m still perched on that swing for dear life
That life of my memories